Young Writers Society

First of all, I love your story. It has a very interesting storyline, and I love your creativity! Some points:

“She dropped her bike to the sidewalk as she pulled open the wooden door. The tinkling of bells greeted her as she stepped inside. The soft aroma of ancient dust and lavender tickled her nose and she sneezed.
She pulled her earphones out and stuck her walkman in her coat pocket, not once taking her eyes off the endless shelves of old books that loomed in front of her. She went to the nearest shelf and ran her finger along the spines of the books. All these titles, she’d never heard of them before.”
You started both paragraphs with “she” and I think you used it to often in most of the beginning of the story. Try subbing it with “Nicole” or “the girl”.

“The salty rain plastered her bangs to her forehead. She wiped a raindrop that was dripping down her nose as she read the sign again: The Storybook.”
I thought the description was great!

“That was funny. Same name as the shop. She searched for a name of an author but found none. She had started to open the cover but a voice behind her sent her hand flying to her nose as she sneezed once again.”
I don’t think the voice should have sent her hand flying to her nose, but you could say “Nicole had started to open the cover, but I voice behind her made her jump, at the same time she sneezed.” I know that doesn’t sound very fluid, but you could edit it. It sort of sounds like the voice made her sneeze.

“The woman had long silver hair down to her ankles and was wearing a long purple dress that went down to the floor, completely covering her feet.”
Try “the woman had long silver hair down to her ankles, and was wearing a long, purple dress that hung to the floor, completely covering her feet.” This way you will avoid using “down to her…” twice.

“Not that I know of,” the woman answered, softly sighing. Her voice was old, full of knowledge, as soft as the petals of a flower. Nicole was mesmerized by it.”
I love that description!

“Hi honey!” her mom called from the kitchen. “I’m just making dinner. Your father should be home soon, Jeff too!”
Who’s Jeff? Does she have two fathers?

All in all, I think it’s great. I’m going to read the second chapter as soon as I post this!

If the internet would work for me for just five minutes, these reviews would come a lot faster, butt… Anyway, here’s the review.

Hmm… very good, very good.

One thing I don’t think anyone else cared about: how long was she in the bookstore/library/place? ‘Cause i’m a man (okay, boy) of technicalities, so why did her mother text her so soon? Was it near her house, was she late already, or did a lot of time pass that seemed like only a minute or two? People might wanna know.

Anyway, very good beginning!

Ah yes. And I wasn't sure if I was delusional or not, but it turns out I was right when I thought that I was hearing the word "she" a lot at the beginning.

Comments by me will be in bold

Prologue


For weeks, I have had this in my head. The only problem was that every time I sat down to write, I couldn’t put it in words. I thought it was a horror, but the more I thought about it, the more it shaped itself into a thriller. But when I finally put the first sentence down on paper, it magically turned into a fairytale. So here we go. Ah. Fairytales. Don't we all just love them.

Chapter One- The Storybook


Nicole had never seen this bookstore before. She slowed her bike and turned down the volume on her walkman. The little shop was tucked into a tiny corner on the side of a not-so-busy road, a paper factory on one side, and a parking lot on the other. Surprises never ceased in Seattle.


The salty rain plastered her bangs to her forehead. She wiped a raindrop that was dripping down her nose as she read the sign again: The Storybook.


She dropped her bike to the sidewalk as she pulled open the wooden door. The tinkling of bells greeted her as she stepped inside. The soft aroma of ancient dust and lavender tickled her nose and she sneezed.


She pulled her earphones out and stuck her walkman in her coat pocket, not once taking her eyes off the endless shelves of old books that loomed in front of her. She went to the nearest shelf and ran her finger along the spines of the books. All these titles, she’d never heard of them before.


A thump startled her and she sneezed again. She turned around to find a book had fallen from the end of the shelf. She walked over and bent to pick it up.


The Storybook.


That was funny. Same name as the shop. She searched for a name of an author but found none. She had started to open the cover but a voice behind her sent her hand flying to her nose as she sneezed once again.


“Good afternoon.” She wheeled around to find an ancient old woman facing her, The Storybook still clutched tightly in one hand. The woman laughed. “I’m dearly sorry, my child. I didn’t mean to scare you.”


Nicole smiled a nervous smile, “It’s fine. I’m jumpy.”


The woman had long silver hair down to her ankles and was wearing a long purple dress that went down to the floor, completely covering her feet. Strings of dark blue beads were strung around her neck and rows of bracelets covered each arm. A wrinkled smile stretched across her face, reaching her bright blue eyes that seemed to see right through Nicole and know her perfectly.


The woman’s eyes drifted to the book still clutched tightly in Nicole’s hand.


“Very good book,” she said, gently taking it from Nicole’s hand and stroking the spine.


“I was looking for the author but…”


“I’ve often wondered who wrote it,” the woman replied.


“So there isn’t an author?” Nicole asked.


“Not that I know of,” the woman answered, softly sighing. Her voice was old, full of knowledge, as soft as the petals of a flower. Nicole was mesmerized by it.


“So it’s good?” Nicole asked.


“Wonderful,” the woman replied smiling. “A gift,” the woman smiled, handing the book back to Nicole, “For you.”


“I, I couldn’t,” Nicole politely refused, but the woman insisted.


“I know you will keep in this case I would use the word "take" good care good care of it. You seem like the kind of girl I was at your age: always in the mood for an adventure,” the woman said. “You won’t be able to put it down. Please, take it.”


Nicole reluctantly took the book back from the woman’s hand. Something vibrated in her pocket.


“I’m sorry, excuse me.” She pulled out her cell phone and read the text.


where r u? luv mom.


She sighed and texted back.


at a book shop.


She hated cell phones. They always went off at the wrong times. Her mom made her get one for “emergency purposes.” in this part, maybe you could say "She hated emergency cellphones; they always went off at the wrong time." Telling us in a seperate sentence seems to do too much TELLING. You could either combine the sentences as I've done or SHOW us that it's emergency through dialogue, or maybe a text. : )

“Sorry,” she said looking up, but the woman had gone away. In her place a violet rested on the wooden floor. Nicole bent to pick it up. Underneath it was written a note on an old piece of parchment.


Nicole,


Sometimes I think the author is really the reader. That’s just my opinion though, of course. Be careful. Don’t start reading it until you can really sit down and get into it without any interruptions. Enjoy the journey!

-Wanda, your friend from The Storybook At first I didn't like Wanda's opinion. Then, I became more and more attatched to it. Keep this. : )


How did she know my name? I'm not sure if this is in italics on the original page, but if it's in third person, us authors normally don't include thoughts. Sometimes if they're in italics, that's fine. Or she could mumble it out of bewilderment. Her cell phone went off again.

wen u r don com home luv mom.

She sighed and texted back.

im on my way.


She tucked the book back under her arm and pulled her hood up. She stepped out once more into the drenching rain. She stuck her headphones back into her ears and turned up the volume to Depeche Mode. What's Depeche Mode?! XD Sorry. Curiosity.

* * *


“I’m home!” Nicole yelled, shutting the door behind her. The scratching off paws against the hard wood floor sent her hands flying to her face as her dog skidded in and smothered her in kisses. "Barkley! Stop it!"


“Hi, Honey!” her mom called from the kitchen. “I’m just making dinner. Your father should be home soon, Jeff too!” This last sentence confused me. Maybe worded differently would make it easier for us to understand.

"He's not my father, never will be," she mumbled under her breath. "Come on Barkley!" she called to her dog. "I’m just going to go put this book in my room,” she called to her mother, climbing the stairs. She went in her room and sat down on her bed. Don’t start reading it until you can really sit down and get into it without any interruptions…


She set the book down and went back downstairs to help her mom with dinner.

Ailam Remard wrote:Prologue


Chapter One- The Storybook

Nicole had never seen this bookstore before. She slowed her bike and turned down the volume on her walkman. The little shop was tucked into a tiny corner on the side of a not-so-busy road, a paper factory on one side, and a parking lot on the other. Surprises never ceased in Seattle.

The salty rain plastered her bangs to her forehead. She wiped a raindrop that was dripping down her nose as she read the sign again: The Storybook.

She dropped her bike to the sidewalk as she pulled open the wooden door. The tinkling of bells greeted her as she stepped inside. The soft aroma of ancient dust and lavender tickled her nose and she sneezed.

She pulled her earphones out and stuck her walkman in her coat pocket, not once taking her eyes off the endless shelves of old books that loomed in front of her. She went to the nearest shelf and ran her finger along the spines of the books. All these titles, she’d never heard of them before.

A thump startled her and she sneezed again. She turned around to find a book had fallen from the end of the shelf. She walked over and bent to pick it up.

The Storybook.

That was funny. Same name as the shop. She searched for a name of an author but found none. She had started to open the cover but a voice behind her sent her hand flying to her nose as she sneezed once again.

“Good afternoon.” She wheeled around to find an ancient old woman facing her, The Storybook still clutched tightly in one hand. The woman laughed. “I’m dearly sorry, my child. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Nicole smiled a nervous smile. “It’s fine. I’m jumpy.”

The woman had long silver hair down to her ankles and was wearing a long purple dress that went down to the floor, completely covering her feet. Strings of dark blue beads were strung around her neck and rows of bracelets covered each arm. A wrinkled smile stretched across her face, reaching her bright blue eyes that seemed to see right through Nicole and know her perfectly.

The woman’s eyes drifted to the book still clutched tightly in Nicole’s hand.

“Very good book,” she said, gently taking it from Nicole’s hand and stroking the spine.

“I was looking for the author but…”

“I’ve often wondered who wrote it,” the woman replied.

“So there isn’t an author?” Nicole asked.

“Not that I know of,” the woman answered, softly sighing. Her voice was old, full of knowledge, as soft as the petals of a flower. Nicole was mesmerized by it.

“So it’s good?” Nicole asked.

“Wonderful,” the woman replied smiling. “A gift,” the woman smiled, handing the book back to Nicole. “For you.”

“I, I couldn’t,” Nicole politely refused, but the woman insisted.

“I know you will keep good care of it. You seem like the kind of girl I was at your age. Always in the mood for an adventure,” the woman said. “You won’t be able to put it down. Please take it.”

Nicole reluctantly took the book back from the woman’s hand. Something vibrated in her pocket.

“I’m sorry, excuse me.” She pulled out her cell phone and read the text.

where r u? luv mom.

She sighed and texted back.

at a book shop.

She hated cell phones. They always went off at the wrong times. Her mom made her get one for “emergency purposes.”

“Sorry,” she said looking up, but the woman had gone away. In her place a violet rested on the wooden floor. Nicole bent to pick it up. Underneath it was written a note on an old piece of parchment.

Nicole,

Sometimes I think the author is really the reader. That’s just my opinion though, of course. Be careful. Don’t start reading it until you can really sit down and get into it without any interruptions. Enjoy the journey!
-Wanda, your friend from The Storybook

How did she know my name? Her cell phone went off again.

wen u r don com home luv mom.
She sighed and texted back.

im on my way.

She tucked the book back under her arm and pulled her hood up. She stepped out once more into the drenching rain. She stuck her headphones back into her ears and turned up the volume to Depeche Mode.

* * *

“I’m home!” Nicole yelled, shutting the door behind her. The scratching off paws against the hard wood floor sent her hands flying to her face as her dog skidded in and smothered her in kisses. "Barkley! Stop it!"

“Hi honey!” her mom called from the kitchen. “I’m just making dinner. Your father should be home soon, Jeff too!”

"He's not my father, never will be," she mumbled under her breath. "Come on Barkley!" she called to her dog. "I’m just going to go put this book in my room,” she called to her mother, climbing the stairs. She went in her room and sat down on her bed. Don’t start reading it until you can really sit down and get into it without any interruptions…

She set the book down and went back downstairs to help her mom with dinner.

The only thing I noticed is you didn't underline The Storybook every time you put it. Otherwise, I loved it. Great job!

-Always

I really enjoyed reading chapter one.

You start describing the setting at one point, but then quickly stop and seem to focus in on the dialogue. But, so far, the characters seem to fit in cozily.

Definently work on building up the main character. I already am beginning to like her, but it seems like she's still on the paper, not really alive, looking at this book, talking to this old woman.

I really like this so far, it seems interesting! I'm going to go read your next chapters, because I have a feeling I just found my new favorite story.

Good Luck!
~Kiley

Mysterious beginning and a good start!

I think you have a pretty good idea where you are going with this. It seems well thought out. I didn't really see any errors, per say, but I can mention a few things to consider.

1) YOUR BEGINNING. It was a slow starter. I didn't really get hooked until the second or third paragraph. Make her run into the bookstore and just happen to be inside or something like that. Something that makes the reader want to continue, to unravel the mystery of your story.

2) USE OF DESCRIPTION. It thought you did well with the use of the readers 5 senses, but I think you could use more. I want to see more of the shop and other places in your story.

3) PACE. Remember to keep it even. At the bookshop, everything was smooth and easy-going. But then she got home and boom-boom-boom, she met her mom and her dog and we found out she had a step-dad. You really need to slow that down, elaborate, expand!

Good Luck with this!

I see that you have a Chapter Two out already so I will probably check that out soon!

I'm really glad that you were able to finally get it down onto paper. That happens a lot; the story that I'm currently writing, I knew what was going to happen for the first five chapters, but, after that, I had absolutely no idea what to write! But, after a little while of thinking about it (and reading the dictionary), I finally knew what to have it about, and even turned it into a five-or-six book series! Good for you! Keep up the great work!

Oh, yeah, I'm definitely going to write more or else BigBadBear will kill me, excuse me, I meant to say SLAUGHTER ME! Lol.

Wow! That was really good. I wished you did more though, or posted #2 ! lol

Anyway, I didn't see anything wrong with that... no grammar, spelling, etc.

That's about it, it just pretty much great.

-- M.B.

Seattle's rain does taste like salt. It's beacuse they're right next to the ocean. I should have cleared that up in the story.

-Ailam

So far, I like it a lot. Two things struck me as odd. First when you described the rain as salty. Maybe it is a Seattle thing, but salty rain would be a signal to me of a Bad Thing. Just not something I would expect to fall from the sky. Second, in the next to last paragraph, when she says she is going to put the book in her room, it seem that she is either talking to her self, or talking to the dog. The dog doesn't need help, and she could just think to her self. If she is talking to her mother than maybe make that a bit clearer?

Besides those two points, it is a very interesting beginning. After the disappearing act in the book store, and the jumping book, makes me want to figure out what is going on here. Which is a good thing. Can't wait to see more.

-Mike

The first thing I noticed is that all your sentences have the same type of structure, at least in the very beginning. It gives it a somewhat bland feel.

"That was funny. Same name as the shop." Hmm... if you're going to put it this way, I'd maybe put it so that it's what she's thinking? Like: "'That's funny,' she thought. '

Otherwise, this is a really good beginning! It reminds me of the beginning of a story I once wanted to write, but gave up on a long time ago. Can't wait for more!

I like the contrast between the mother and daughter too, by the way. The girl hangs out in bookstores, and the mom is texting her in shorthand.
And I really like Depeche Mode. I like how you threw it in there:D

And one more thing. I actually disagree with Jared about her reaction to the woman 'disappearing'. She didn't actually see the woman disappear, if disappear she did. If it were me, I wouldn't see any reason to go looking for some strange woman, even if she did somehow know my name. I'd be weirded out and not really want to talk to them anymore. But of course it's up to you if you want to change it. It would be fine either way.

Good job! Send me a PM when you have more posted!!!!


*adna*

A good start that hits all the right notes-there's just enough information revealed to make it interesting and spooky, but the plot isn't given away just yet. It ends on a cliffhanger too and it made me curious to see what's in the storybook. The note was very spooky as well and I'm already thinking about the possible connections between Nicole and the old lady.

The symbolism was intriguing-the old lady disappears, and leaves a violet in her place. Little things like that add a sense of mystery. I want to find out more about where the story's heading. And why is Nicole looking for The Storybook?

I'm also wondering if the words "It's a sin. Everything I've ever done. Everything I ever do. Every place I've ever been. Everywhere I'm going to. It's a sin….. " have some sort of tie-in to the plot.

Aliam Remard,

Oh, my goodness. This was really amazing! I can’t believe that I would ever come across a fantasy that I can really get into. I really dislike fantasies, because basically all of them are a rip off of Lord of the Rings. I can sometimes get into these kind of fantasies, but Aliam, you have totally blown my head off.

If that made sense.

However, there is one part that I would work on. When Nicole finds the letter, wouldn’t you be a little creeped out? I mean… a woman just disappeared before your eyes! I think I would just look around the shop, maybe calling her name and seeing if you can find her. It would make this story have a touch more realism to it. But, strangely enough, that’s all that I can find to critique. This is way cool. I really want to read more.

I loved the way that the letter read. Where is said that the reader is the author, it really makes you think. I love this, and you have to write more, or I’m going to die.

I have attached a line-by-line review in the attachment below for all of your grammar problems. Let me know if you need anymore help. Okay? Please PM me with the next update. This is too good not to read.

-Jared

Well done! Looks like a promising start thar. Right, a couple of thoughts!

Your grammar is fine, in fact the only error I could spot was that your last sentence is missing a dot at the end.

I noticed you use the word 'soft' a lot. Might want to use a different word, or even a descriptive sentence at times, yus? Or it might get repetitive.

I'd also advise you to spend some thought detailing stuff a bit more - You tell us what they're doing, but very little on what they look like, and what where they are is like! You did the old lady quite nicely though - But it's weird that I only know that your protagonist is female and has bangs. You had such a promising start with the bookstore, the dust almost made -me- sneeze - But even though it seems to be such an important place in your plot, I only know that there are many bookshelves there.

Overall, describe more. Tell us what you see in your head! Or we'll miss a lot of what seems to be an interesting story.

The first thing I noticed is that all your sentences have the same type of structure, especially in the very beginning. It gives it a rather bland feel.

"That was funny. Same name as the shop." Hmm... if you're going to put it this way, I'd maybe put it so that it's what she's thinking? Like